in the darkness

I walk into the restaurant with a notebook and a novel in my hand, a pen and my iPod in my pocket, jumbled along with my keys and earphones all tangled. That pocket might even aptly describe the state of my head at the moment, and for as long as I can remember, an absolute mess.

There's no-one here., I made sure of it before I even thought of coming here. I head to the table I picked for myself when I looked up pictures of the place. It's dark, with a few lamps here and there, the perfect place to sit and drown my sorrows in. It's been a good few weeks since I've had any proper food, not that I have the appetite for it now, but trying doesn't hurt.

'The peace I found in the stars, I can't find anymore. The speck of lights only remind me of the soul that could've enjoyed them with me.' I pen down on my notebook and close it and stuff my pen into my pocket.

I found my peace in the darkness today.

It's time.

floating

I close my eyes so I can go back there, tonight I had to. I feel the tip of my toes and fingers, they feel at peace. I feel at peace. I’m floating through space, pointlessly. It was the most beautiful feeling in the world. Gravity no longer weighs on me, doesn’t pull me back down anymore. I’m truly free.

I soak it all in, the massiveness and the unending nature of all that’s around me. Induces humility, knowing that there’s a whole world out there. It’s not just me. I let myself fall deeper into the emptiness, it might be the only empty that’s somehow at the same time the exact opposite of empty. It’s full, but of what?

It felt scary, but beautiful. There are stars all around me, but I can’t reach any of them. So close, yet so far. Never enough. Knowing that I have the stars within me is all the reminder I needed.

I open my eyes, no doubt tears rolling down, I knew what I was feeling was real, because there was no way I’d allow myself to compare the beauty of floating through the space with the emotion I’m feeling inside me, unless it was pure and genuine. I was floating, and I fell.

tiny eruptions on the chest

they appear to be a small part of your day to day but without it, the soul wouldn’t have a home to live in. pumping at just the right speeds, it’s always working, no vacations, no coffee breaks, no sick leaves. 

but like all things important in life, you don’t realise its value and how much it truly speaks. 

it speaks volumes about you. 

when you lie next to someone you love, place your head on them and listen to the tiny eruptions on their chest. it’s the most beautiful faint thing you’ll listen to. the music of their emotions and feelings. 

a minute of quietness only interrupted by the repeated beats of someone’s reason to exist. you’ll love it. the peacefulness is unchallenged and quite frankly the most powerful inducer of emotions. 

that one minute you’ll feel like you’ve never been that close to a soul before.
that one minute, you’d die for that one minute again.
that one minute, everything that doesn’t fade into the beats, just vanish: their voice, their body, every external beat that isn’t from inside that chest. 

the problem with this one minute? it ends. and once it really really ends, it’s gone. 

lost

lost a lot in life, 
people, money, opportunities. 

gave it a little more time, 
and I knew more people, 
the ones who left didn’t matter, 
or so I thought. 

see, 
the way I thought of it, 
every person who left showed me
how incapable I was,
of being a good friend. 

I’ve lost trust in myself, 
thought i was finally there, 
the point where I made friends for life. 

What I have lost, is the ability to be confident about a forever with a friend, forever.