sunday: may 10th
hello,
today i'm going to try and answer a question i got from one of you, it reads: 'does love change people or does it bring out their deepest primary state of being?'
this questions is not an easy yes or no, or even an easy choice between the two, it's much more complex the more we think about it. we'll go about it in parts with the assumption that by 'love' here, the question refers to the love that exists between two partners, although this may end up being relevant for other forms of love such as parenthood and friendships.
okay so let's break down the elements of the question:
love
love changing who you are
bringing out your true self
love
i pointed out in one of my previous emails that love is one of the strongest and complex emotions that we can experience. here's an excerpt from the same:
"there is no doubt about the power and the genuineness of the emotion, and at times it can also be a very confusing emotion. one that'll lead you to dark places, and sometimes the most colourful of places."
most of us have the habit of over-romanticising love, thanks to some books and movies and while there is nothing wrong with romanticising the idea, what we are rarely shown or actually, what we try to not focus on are the hard parts of love. the disagreements you have on topics of politics, religion, taste in food or music, and much much deeper things. the very basics of a person's being might cause slight irritation, but the love always supersedes. we see this very evidently when we can't stop loving someone who is palpably toxic for us. yes, the person might be toxic but the emotion is still there. it's insanely hard to fall out of, it takes immense strength of the mind, constantly being reminded or reminding yourself, and for most of us; time.
there's a clear evidence of the strength of the emotion. one thought i've always had regarding love that i can never seem to get out of my head is the fact that no-one is ever completely 'right' or 'wrong' for you. true love is when you have patience and compassion for our mutual weaknesses, and that's miles higher than the attraction you have towards someone and the fact that compatibility is never a pre-requisite for love, it is the achievement of love.
love changing who you are
the short answer to this is: yes and no. and that's not completely up to chance. it's more.
who you are as a person is something that's been slowly built over a period of your entire exhausted lifetime. circumstances, teachings, and a million other things play into what sort of a person you become. and without any doubt, there are certainly things you dislike about yourself, but at the same time the other end is also present. that is inevitable. you have habits and addictions you want to get rid of. but you like the fact that you are appreciative of the little things in life. there's always both ends. changing the fundamentals of who you are is a long process, one that begins with self-awareness. let's say that you've noticed that you're a very close-minded person, not open to the view of others on multiple aspects of life. the good thing is that you've noticed this. the second part is accepting and being aware of the fact that certain factors in your life played a big role in you becoming who you are, it could be your society, or your parents, or the movies you are drawn towards, or your friend circle. once you've accepted it and stopped beating yourself up over it you've started the process of change, but only if you want to change.
so when you think about love changing you, it's a yes and a no. conditions being, if you allow yourself to change and grow together, over a long period of time you will slowly change and adapt certain qualities amongst yourself. but falling in love, or being in love on its own does not bring about change.
bringing out your true self
this is true to a very large extent. love in general tends to bring out the very best parts of you. love by definition should bring out your true self, positive and negative parts alike. being true to each other, unravelling your deepest vulnerabilities, and expressing your deepest worries and likenesses is very important in sustaining a viable relationship. when your partner entertains every part of you, every thought that's in your head, and actively engages in conversation with you to dig deeper into what are the wrong parts of the thoughts in your head, then you're perfecting yourself. [i still stand by the fact that perfection is again not a word that can be associated with one's personality, or a person in general] love does bring out your deepest primary state of being, and it should. otherwise i just think you're being unfair to yourself, your partner and love. find someone who allows you to be your full self.
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if you paid enough attention, you'll notice that the question needed me to choose between the two: bringing out your true self or changing. i haven't chose either of the options. your 'self' is quite simply your belief about the attributes, qualities and your very existence as an individual consciousness, this includes the capacity within you to change over time, therefore making it impossible to choose between the two.
i don't think there's anything better you can do for yourself than be true to yourself, regardless of whether you're in love or not.
i love hearing from you all, as always. certainly looking forward to answering more of your questions and adding some sort of value to your life, in the smallest ways. i hope these emails have a positive impact on your life. reach out. stay safe. don't pressurise yourself to be productive, not the time.
